Making decisions has never really been that hard for me. Now, I’m not saying that I have always made good decisions, but making them isn’t usually a problem. I tend to look at it from the perspective of “I have a brain, I have wisdom and courage, I have the ability to choose, so just make a decision.” It’s not necessarily a wrong way of thinking, after all God does give us those abilities, but it may be incomplete.
During this time (the last 4.5 months) I have really felt God saying to wait and to trust. I have talked about that a few times on this blog. So basically, all of those good gifts that he has given me and that I normally rely on are not being used right now. It’s very stretching for me. While I woud say that this has been a good time of learning and faith building, today I noticed something else that is happening. Something not as good.
I am afraid.
Not of not having options (even though I haven’t had any until this point), or of not being able to pay my bills (though that is quickly becoming more of a reality), but I am afraid of making the wrong decision.
This all stemmed from a phone call that I got this morning. The call was from an organization that I absolutely love and respect. They are doing amazing things in the lives of orphans around the world and it would be an honor to work with them. I sent my resume to them this summer. They called to tell me that they have an open position that they wondered if I would be interested in interviewing for. Two things happened all at once inside of me: I got really excited about the possibility and really scared. And I haven’t even interviewed yet. Would I be good at this job? Would I be ok with moving? But most of all, “What if I make the wrong choice?!?!”
It’s almost as if I have been waiting so long that I am gun shy. I have been waiting, but have I really been trusting? I am not sure what I am really going to do about all of this (the fear) at this point, but here are some reminders that I am going to be praying:
“Don’t be afraid; just believe.” Mark 5:36
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you was the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose words I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.” Psalm 56:3