I’m Afraid

Making decisions has never really been that hard for me. Now, I’m not saying that I have always made good decisions, but making them isn’t usually a problem. I tend to look at it from the perspective of “I have a brain, I have wisdom and courage, I have the ability to choose, so just make a decision.” It’s not necessarily a wrong way of thinking, after all God does give us those abilities, but it may be incomplete.

During this time (the last 4.5 months) I have really felt God saying to wait and to trust. I have talked about that a few times on this blog. So basically, all of those good gifts that he has given me and that I normally rely on are not being used right now. It’s very stretching for me. While I woud say that this has been a good time of learning and faith building, today I noticed something else that is happening. Something not as good.

I am afraid.

Not of not having options (even though I haven’t had any until this point), or of not being able to pay my bills (though that is quickly becoming more of a reality), but I am afraid of making the wrong decision.

This all stemmed from a phone call that I got this morning.  The call was from an organization that I absolutely love and respect.  They are doing amazing things in the lives of orphans around the world and it would be an honor to work with them.  I sent my resume to them this summer.  They called to tell me that they have an open position that they wondered if I would be interested in interviewing for.  Two things happened all at once inside of me:  I got really excited about the possibility and really scared.  And I haven’t even interviewed yet.  Would I be good at this job? Would I be ok with moving? But most of all, “What if I make the wrong choice?!?!”

It’s almost as if I have been waiting so long that I am gun shy.  I have been waiting, but have I really been trusting?  I am not sure what I am really going to do about all of this (the fear) at this point, but here are some reminders that I am going to be praying:

“Don’t be afraid; just believe.” Mark 5:36

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  I do not give to you was the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose words I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.”  Psalm 56:3

Then That Must Be You

I still have no idea what my next step is and that is scary.  But, even through the uncertainty, I still feel like God is saying “trust me” and “wait on me.”  That’s really hard for this fix it girl!  Through this whole process though, God has sent people, books, Bible verses, and songs to confirm that He is with me.  This is one of those songs.

God, is it true that you’re thinkin’ of me at this moment?
God, is it true that you hear every prayer that I pray?
God, is it true every time my heart beats, you know it?
Well, if it’s all true, then that must be you I hear saying, “Trust Me.”

God, is it true out of all things you’re doing on this planet,
Could it really be true that you’ve counted the hairs on my head?
God, is it true, every day of my life, you have planned it?
Well, if it’s all true, then that must be you I hear saying, “Trust Me.”

Trust Me, Trust Me
I’ll never leave you
I’ll never forsake you
Just trust me

God, is it true that your love for us is never ending?
Could it really be true that you’d die before letting us go?
God, is it true that not even death can separate us?
Well, if it’s all true, then what can I do but put all my hope and all my trust in you?
Well, I know it’s true and I know it’s You I hear saying, “Trust Me.”
I hear you saying, “Trust Me.”

Conversations With Ella

Today I was laying on the hammock with Ella and Cooper, just relaxing and having a little chat.  This is what came of it…

Cooper: I’m 3 and Ella is 6.

Me: That’s right.  And I’m 29.

Ella: You’re 29 and your not even married yet!

Me: That’s right.

Ella: Why aren’t you married yet?

Me: I’m just not.

Ella: But why? Do you want to get married?

Me: Yes I do.  But I might not get married.  You don’t have to get married.

Ella:  I don’t want to get married.

Me: You don’t have to.  But you will probably change your mind.

Ella: Why don’t you want to get married?

Me: I do want to get married but I haven’t met a guy that I want to marry that also wants to marry me.

Ella:  Well you should just find someone without a ring on and just ask him!

Jen:  Guys time to come in for lunch!!!

Saved by the bell!  That kid gives me a run for my money!

Meet Zach

This is my friend Zach.

I have linked to his blog a couple of times on here (here and here to be more specific), but I thought I would give you a more formal introduction.  God intersected our stories about this time last year through a brief introduction at a church thing.  After connecting on Facebook we found out that we have a common interest in travel and mountains so we started emailing back and forth while Zach travelled the world and conquered three of the seven summits.  So basically we were pen pals and it was really fun!  We actually hang out in person now, which is great too, but Zach really liked being pen pals, so he is taking off again.

That’s the point of this post.  You need to go read about Zach’s next step in his journey.  You actually should read the other blog posts too, but if you read nothing else, read about his upcoming move.  I just spent three hours talking with him and I am so excited about what God is going to do through him and in him.  Go read and please be praying for him!  Do something tangible too.  Write a check!  I can say this because I am not him.  Missionaries live on support and to take that burden away so that they can actually minister is a huge thing.

So go be a part of what God is doing and is going to do in South Africa!  God can work without us, but He chooses to use us.  Don’t miss out!

Book Review: Atlas Shrugged

I decided to read this book because it is said to be the second most influential book in our society (second only to the Bible).  That was enough to convince me to buy it.

It is basically the story of two groups of people: the extreme capitalists and the extreme socialists, and what happens when capitalism falls to socialism.  While very exaggerated, I thought it was a very good read.  I liked how Rand emphasized the importance of actually working for a profit and how she portrayed what happens when hand outs are the way of life.  She vividly describes the dangers of power hungry politicians and the honor that comes from working your way to the top.

I did not agree with her ideas of “every man for himself” and the idea that our joy comes from ourselves and living for ourselves.  But that goes along with Rand’s atheistic views, which are very different from my relationship with Christ.  On that same note, that viewpoint left little room for mercy, which would also be a way to destroy a nation in my opinion.

I think with every book, though, you have to take some and leave some.  I definitely recommend reading this book though as it gives some great perspective.

When I see things happening around the world and in our own government, I now sometimes find myself asking “Who is John Galt?”