Yesterday my pastor started a sermon series with this same title. I love that he is doing this series right now as it is exactly where I am. In the meantime. So I thought I might give a little update of what I have been doing since I left El Salvador and some plans, at least through September.
I had no plans to leave El Salvador anytime soon. In fact, when people would ask me how long I was going to be there, I would say, “As long as God has me here, but I can see myself here for a very long time.” So, needless to say, I hadn’t been thinking about what else I would like to do or a direction that God was leading me in. It was unexpected and it caused a lot of sadness and grief for me. Sadness and grief, not because I lost myself or my views of “whose” I am, but because I LOVED those kids and what I was doing down there. Those are things worth grieving. So I spent the first several weeks in what my friend called the “tourniquet stage” trying to stop the bleeding. During that time I spent time with friends and family, cried, and talked with trusted people in my life. It also included a couple of trips with my family. I also connected with an amazing counselor and have loved (and hated…haha) digging in with her. She has helped me to process the transition and it’s effects on my heart, identify things that need to be grieved, identify some habits or “vows” that I have made in my life and process what it means to live in the meantime right now. We have been discussing how ambiguity is the perfume of God. That space in between giving up and taking control is where we get a whiff of God.
One huge gift that God gave me during this time was the chance to jump back into the lives of three amazing teenage girls that I’ve been investing in for a few years. They are in a transition time from high school to college and I was grateful for the chance to walk through that with them. They are a huge gift to me and God has used them greatly in my life, but especially this summer.
So what now? For the long term, I have no idea. That is annoying to me as I am a planner and I don’t know what the plan is. But I also feel extreme peace about it. For the short term, I will be traveling quite a bit from next week through the first week of October. I was supposed to be home from August 23-Oct 1 for a five week break after team season in El Salvador. My family and I planned (and paid for) a couple of trips for my time home, so we are still planning on enjoying those trips. The first one is next week. My dad and I are headed out to Colorado to have our revenge on Mt. Elbert (which put me in the hospital a couple of years ag0). I am looking forward to five days out there with him! In September my entire family is heading to Disney World for a week. I can’t wait to experience that with all of my nieces and nephews!
And then there is something new added to the plan. My counsellor was asking me what I want to do with my “in the meantime” if I could do anything. I told her that since I have been home, I have been dreaming about taking a road trip out west. God put a very specific dream on my heart a very long time ago about a couple of states out west and I was feeling pulled out there to check it out. She asked me why I didn’t go do that and I told her that it just didn’t seem financially responsible or super safe or realistic. And she told me that she hadn’t heard a real reason that I shouldn’t do it. She’s super subtle. So for two weeks in September/October, I will be making a trip out west to Montana, Wyoming, and South Dakota and I couldn’t be more excited! My goals out there are:
- See and enjoy beautiful pieces of creation that I have never seen before but have been dreaming about.
- Spend uninterrupted time with my Creater/Father/Friend in his creation dreaming, praying, and mostly listening. Getting that “whiff of God.”
- Meet new people.
- Come back with a fresh perspective on the next chapter of my life and hopefully some direction on a career path.
So that’s what is going on with me right now. I know it seems ambiguous, but I think I am finally ok with it. In this ambiguity I am finding peace, healing, and a trust in God that I haven’t known before.