Julia asked me the other day about my dream. “What’s your dream, Kelly?” This is something extremely relevant to her life as she has recently laid down a dream and is searching for a new one. Also, I’m her mentor, so it was a fair question. In fact, I probably should have been expecting it. But I wasn’t, and it shook me.
I haven’t been asked that question in many years, certainly not since I’ve been back from El Salvador, and I had no answer. I used to be able to answer it so readily because I’ve always had some dream or another beating inside of me. And I was shaken. And sad. And ashamed. And I felt a little hopeless. How could I, her mentor and someone who’s always had a dream on her heart, not have a dream of my own? And worse yet, not realize that I’d lost that part of me. That is a very scary place to find yourself.
I’ve obviously been thinking about this a lot since she asked me, trying to pray about it (though that is painful) and searching the scriptures to see what God says about this. I’ve come to a few conclusions about how I got to this place.
- Since El Salvador I’ve kind of turned off my heart. I’ve been essentially heart dead for the past three and a half years. I’ve not allowed myself to hope or dream because I didn’t want to get hurt. That’s understandable, but it’s cowardly.
- I’ve been distracted. I’ve allowed everything (hobbies, Netflix, mentoring, work, family, etc) to have my attention to the detriment of caring for my own heart.
- I’ve not been delighting in the Lord. This is the main thing. This is what it all boils down to. Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” When we delight ourselves in the Lord by seeking him, talking with him, listening to him, reading his word and investing in that relationship, then his desires begin to become our desires. He places new dreams and new desires on our heart. He gives them to us. He is the source. And I’ve not been delighting in the source for the last few years.
It makes me sad to think that I’ve lost so much time, but I am excited to have the veil removed and a new opportunity to delight in the One who knows me best and loves me most. And one day there will be a new dream. I can’t wait for that day.